Seven Tips for Parents and their Kids on National Coming Out Day

In honor of National Coming Out Day, October 11th,  Clinical Psychologist, Health Service Psychologist, Adjunct Professor, a Board Certified Music Therapist, Dr. Bethany Cook shares her story (in the TikTok below) encouraging the LGBT community to do the same.

As you can imagine, most LGBTQ kids are nervous about coming out –  After all, this is BIG NEWS!

@gaynrd##nationalcomingoutday ##fyp♬ original sound – GayNrd.com

1. This isn’t about you. Many times when parents hear their child is questioning their sexuality/gender identity etc. they immediately say something like “Are you trying to get back at me for doing X?” Your child’s sexuality has nothing to do with you or your parenting style..
2. It’s very scary. All LGBTQ kids have been raised in a society which still hasn’t decided if it’s going to fully accept alternative lifestyles and those who fit into it.   Even kids whose parents are totally cool with it are still fearful of what the rest of the world will say/do to them after they come out.
3. Please don’t ask if it’s a phase. By the time most kids are brave enough to come out to their parent’s they’ve had plenty of time to question whether their desires are a “phase” or not.  When parents suggest this may be a “phase” it devalues the “coming out”.   Yes, sometimes kids who identify on the spectrum at a young age end up marrying someone of the opposite sex.  This may happen for many reasons, none of which has anything to do with “phases”.
4. Go gently with the personal questions. Sexuality for anyone who isn’t “straight” can be very confusing when it comes to the “ins and outs” of how things are done.  Sex ed is lagging with regards to educating youth about non-cis- sex.  So, if your child comes out to you don’t immediately go for the “are you a top or a bottom” type questions, as they may not even know themselves.
5. Don’t ask “Are you the boy or the girl in the relationship?” LGBTQ relationships do not have preconceived roles/duties.  As such, it’s freeing to be able to be 100% yourself with a partner and work together to identify who does what within the relationship.  Just because someone wears pants in a lesbian couple doesn’t automatically mean she’s the “man”.  That type of thinking is rigid and damaging to relationships because it is still suggesting that hetro relationships are the gold standard for couples.
6. We don’t want to lose your love but we can’t deny who we are.  It’s a bittersweet decision many youth are forced to make; live a life that’s true to them, or live a life that makes their family happy but they are miserable.  By the time many children have found the courage to tell their parent’s they are LGBTQ, they are also mentally prepared for the worst which is; be disowned, kicked out, sent to a conversion camp etc.
7. This isn’t a choice. Time and again science has shown homosexuality exists not only in humans but other species as well.  Insinuating your child has a choice about how their heart and body responds in the ways of love is like suggesting your child chose to have red hair or brown eyes.  Sure they could dye their hair and get colored contacts but it doesn’t change their genetic make-up.

National Coming Out Day is meant to be a celebration of individuals within the LGBT community who openly identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender.

Founded in 1988 by psychologist Robert Eichberg and gay rights activist and political leader Robert O’Leary it was celebrated for the first time in 1988 on the anniversary of the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay rights, which took place in Washington, D.C. on October 11, 1987.

Immediately at the forefront of this event was artist Keith Haring, who designed the beautifully vibrant image that became the day’s logo.

Haring’s aesthetic is a mix of pop art, graffiti and street art, and a clearly defined use of line.  The logo brilliantly presents Haring’s simple graphic style, as a figure emerges from the proverbial closet.  The colors are consistent with those used throughout Haring’s career – bright, neon hues that form exciting relationships.  For some, Haring’s art could be considered WTF, but I’m attracted to how profound a simple palette and use of line can be.  It always saddens me to think that Haring’s life and career were cut short by AIDS in 1990, but at the same time I’ve seen numerous ways in which his art brings life and happiness to so many.  That’s what appeals to me about his art, it is full of life, love, and often makes a profound statement about humanity.

On this National Coming Out Day, remember to be a support to those around you from the LBGT community (and go beyond that to be supportive of people in general for that matter).  For anyone questioning or uncertain about their sexuality, know that today is the day when you can feel confident and comfortable with who you are and that you are surrounded by a community that accepts you.  For those who are already out, celebrate the joy you have in knowing who you are.