It Was My Fault—Why Gay Male Victims of Domestic Violence Often Dismiss It

It’s more common than we think and yet it remains one of the most stigmatized experiences for gay men: domestic abuse. It’s likely to be dismissed by law enforcement, friends and family members, and the victims themselves. As 29 year-old Alastair said, “When someone talks me through it it’s pretty obvious — but when I’m in the middle of it, I just figure out reasons why it’s not that bad and ways it’s probably my fault.”

Photo by Altin Ferreira on Unsplash.

At least 1 in 5 gay men experience domestic abuse although that number is almost surely much higher.

A 2003 study published in the Journal of Men’s Studies which examines the reasons that gay men stay in relationships in which they are being abused, bases much of its argument on the back of feminist research examining why women stay and as such, offers a feminist analysis of domestic violence applied to gay male relationships.

Which may be inchoate to many men because they are men and socialized as such, it may contribute to the reason many men remain in denial in the first place.

New research suggests that LGBT folks experience higher incidence of abuse. The numbers when you focus on gay men alone are startling:

• 26% of gay men and 37.3% of bisexual men have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime, in comparison to 29% of heterosexual men.
• In a study of male same sex relationships, only 26% of men called the police for assistance after experiencing near-lethal violence.

Above: the Gay Men’s Pride flag. It is lesser known pride flag but is a revisit of an earlier gay men’s pride flag from the 70s that featured a range of blue tones.That version was problematic to some because it used colors that were stereotypical of the gender binary. This updated flag is inclusive of a much wider range of gay men, including but not limited to transgender, intersex, and gender nonconforming men.

WHAT DOES ABUSE LOOK LIKE?

“Most experience pushing, shoving or grabbing, with other forms of violence occurring with decreasing prevalence – restraining, punching or hitting, and slapping. The reasons, in previous research, that gay men have given for staying in relationships in which they are being abused include: hope for change, love, fear, lack of assistance, loneliness, loyalty and lack of knowledge regarding domestic violence. Gay men have been found to define domestic violence in similar ways to heterosexual women with an emphasis on power and control (see Cruz and Firestone, 1998); with some additional factors such as control, jealously and internalized homophobia. Gay men’s constructions of masculinity have also been found to have an impact on gay male domestic violence as well as some of the reasons that gay men stay.” (J. Michael Cruz, 2000).

Getting an order of protection is fraught. Why? Again, law enforcement. Many of us do not or have not had great experiences with law enforcement. Police were historically the primary victimizers of gay men by simply enforcing the law and doing their jobs.

In 2012, fewer than 5% of LGBTQ survivors of intimate partner violence sought orders of protection.”

“Financial dependence, naïveté/inexperience, love, hope for change, loneliness, commitment, emotional dependence, being enabled by the cycle of violence, fear, guilt, low self-esteem, physical attraction, physical dependence, and feeling trapped.” (J. Michael Cruz)

PORNOGRAPHY. The more aggressive, violent, and humiliating it is, the more popular it is. Gay pornography is often gay men’s first and last introduction to expressing our sexuality and then is cemented by recreating those experiences. I am not condemning gay porn, but it’s influence in a vacuum of information has created a problematic cycle.

“I’ve had to involve the police in a situation with my ex, I’ve posted about this guy before. I had to speak to an IDVA (domestic abuse advisor) today. I said from the start that he wasn’t violent, he was just controlling and coercive, but she asked more questions and it turns out I’m a total idiot. Some things he did that I did not classify as violent: he got drunk and choked me so there was dark bruises/broken skin around my neck and I lost my voice for nearly a week (it was just rough sex — never mind that I didn’t consent), he broke three of my fingers (he didn’t mean to actually break them), he spiked me with GHB (I took it intentionally before), countless times when he shoved me, spat at me and got in my face to tell me how much he felt like hitting me (yeah but he didn’t actually hit me though), not to mention all the sex I didn’t want but let happen (maybe crying during/throwing up after should have been taken as a no?)

The advisor was very nice about it but also very firm that it was domestic violence, and that she would classify it as high risk.

I feel like a real moron. She probably felt like she was talking to a kid. How do I still not recognize this stuff? It happened over a long period of time, it amped up gradually and there was periods of time in between that he was super nice… When someone talks me through it, it seems pretty obvious but when I’m in the middle of it, I just figure out reasons why it’s not that bad and ways it’s probably my fault.

The advisor said it’s really common for male victims to dismiss this stuff and not recognize it as abusive, I don’t know if this is something other people can relate to? I think I’m probably unusually dumb with this kinda thing. I know DV can be quite common in same sex relationships, can anyone else relate to this?”

Alastair.

• LGBTQ Black/African American victims are more likely to experience physical intimate partner violence, compared to those who do not identify as Black/African American.
• LGBTQ white victims are more likely to experience sexual violence, compared to those who do not identify as white.
• LGBTQ victims on public assistance are more likely to experience intimate partner violence compared to those who are not on public assistance.

Frank, 35: “I was in a very similar situation as yours when I was younger. Both male and female DV survivors fail to recognize the DV as it escalates and/or minimize the DV as it’s happening – it’s sort of the nature of the beast. This is also the exact reason that the advisor knew what questions to ask in order to get down to the actual situation. Don’t be negative on yourself but definitely get out of that relationship and work with a therapist so that you can heal and also hopefully avoid those kinds of relationships in the future.”

Todd, 32: “Thank you and I’m really sorry you had a similar experience. I’m out of the relationship thankfully but unfortunately he won’t leave me alone, hence the police. The advisor today suggested some counselling options, most of them have a long wait because of the demand for services and there are less services for men (which I get obviously), but it’s a step in the right direction.”

Luis, 46: “I’m sorry if I sound extreme, but these kinds of people can be fed by anything you do in response to anything they do towards you. If you even read or reply to a message, it’s what he wants. You may have to “disappear” for a while to make sure he has absolutely no way of finding you or someone close to you that can give away your whereabouts. This includes blocking him from every platform even where you’re not connected (like LinkedIn) or if possible, block and deactivate said social platforms so he cannot reach out to people you know. You may have to change your phone number and update any passwords he knows or the secret questions he may know the answer to. Maybe you’ve already done so but I want to share what I’ve had to do in order to cut people out of my life for good. You’d be surprised how far people will go to get to you when they’re obsessed with you even if it’s just to make your life miserable. I hope he can leave you alone very soon so you can leave this behind as a learning experience and what red flags to look for in the future.”

Austin, 30: It’s not exactly domestic abuse but my partner is going around to our neighbors, my mother’s house etc to constantly ask about my whereabouts. We are taking a break in the relationship because of his escalating erratic behaviors and have agreed together he shouldn’t be around our son. Yet he constantly tries.”