‘I Can’t Hold On Any Longer,’ 19 Year-Old Who Killed Himself Because He Was Gay
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“I can’t hold on any longer,” wrote 19 year-old South African teen Adam Seef in a note to his parents. “I have finally reached rock bottom. I feel so alone no matter how many people I am surrounded by and cared for by.”
The South African native was on vacation in Israel when he took his life.
Two of his best friends and roommates at the hotel in Eilat, Israel, said they were shocked and saddened, according to the South African Jewish Report.
“I knew Adam had insecurities and anxiety,” Mikey Goldman said. “I didn’t know he was depressed. I feel sad that he couldn’t express the pain he was going through. He was an awesome friend, we had a lot of fun together, and made many happy memories.”
News of Reefs’ death came the same day that Israel’s Education minister came out in favor so-called “gay conversion therapy.”
Tall, dark, and handsome, this popular first-year medical student at the University of the Witwatersrand was, according to close family and friends, a perfectionist with a troubled soul, struggling with identity, anxiety, and depression.
Grief and shock spread like shrapnel as the news of his untimely passing detonated throughout Israel and the diaspora. Spiritual leaders on tour with Adam’s friends have conducted prayer sessions in his memory, including at the Kotel in Jerusalem, and at Auschwitz in Poland.
Many friends ended their holidays, rushing back to South Africa to attend his funeral. Traumatised teenagers and others on the Ohrsom Student tour who stayed behind have received counselling.
Behind the scenes, communal organisations and authorities in both countries moved mountains to get Adam home so he could be laid to rest.
In a bid to quell the disrespectful rumours that instantly flooded social media, the distraught family were advised to post a message on Facebook.
In it, they alluded to the heartfelt letter that their desperately unhappy, much-loved son had left them to explain why he couldn’t go on any longer.
Their post read, “He explained that he was struggling with his place in the world, his transition into adulthood, his identity, and his sexuality.”
The post went viral, and has sparked international conversations on mental health, societal norms, and sexual identity. It has also ignited blogs on well-known news sites, Twitter posts by leading journalists, and newspaper articles.
Addressing his beloved parents, Jodi and Justin, and his sister, Megan, who he adored, as well as his doting grandmother, Sandra Seef, Adam wrote, “Ending my life is no one’s fault but my own. I am so sorry if my death may greatly affect many people, but no one will ever understand what it’s like living with a depression so great as this. People can say what they want, but I seriously cannot bear living another second like this.”
Shattered by grief, his parents said, “Our beautiful boy was sensitive, kind-hearted, and caring. He battled with low self-esteem, a warped self-image, and anxiety, and this made him miserable. To the world, Adam was confident, fun, and happy, but at home, Adam was troubled, and would often lash out and take out his inner pain on us.”
Adam came into the world suffering from double pneumonia. He spent the first eleven days of his life in the intensive-care unit at the Sandton Clinic in Johannesburg clinging to life.
“He always fought so hard to survive and fit in. It must have been exhausting,” said his mother.
From an early age, Adam suffered from anxiety, and hated being alone, especially at night. He had different interests to his soccer-playing peers, and often felt isolated on the school playground.
Justin bought his son a Saint Bernard after researching the best animal for children with anxiety, this despite living in a comfortable, yet modest-sized townhouse.
If you’re thinking about suicide call The Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386.
