Hate Watching the ‘Titans’ Season 3 Finale: We’ve Always Been In it For Dick
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So because a very good screenwriter friend of mine (who we’ll call the The Last Unicorn ???? here) and I love to hate watch Titans on HBO Max with its occasional glimpses of glory, (the scripts always feel like first drafts he says and I concur). For the season final we textwatched with a smattering of pauses and calls (he’s in LA, I’m in NY) for groaners, in real time.
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Herein is our take.
First you must watch Titan’s Season 3, episode 13 “Purple Rain.”
Oh and before you ask, yes we are two men in our *ahem* 30s.
The Last Unicorn: Starting
Me: Peacemaker is going to suck
TLU: This sucks already.
Me: Yeah Starting with Barbara is a bad idea. I’m going to get really stoned right now so I can enjoy this.
TLU: Already stoned. It helps.
Me: Argus is the poor mans SHIELD. There’s more… “It’s a good thing you’re sitting down…” did she actually just fucking say that… Holy shit to Barbara Gordon in wheelchair?!!!!! Gar pushing that DC merch… Gotham needs you, you young no super powers having teenager….
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TLU: Tim drake is adorable.
Me: He is. He actually captures the original version. He looks like Tim Drake.
TLU: They don’t seem sufficiently surprised that Donna is no longer dead.
Me: That’s what I was thinking. Oh shit she’s (Komnad’r) thrown down for her man. I told you!!!! All of the swearing [curse words] in this sounds terrible for some reason.
TLU: He must give some good dick.
Me: He has since the beginning. It’s all that solar energy. It’s like Viagra for him.
TLU: “Starfire, it’s all right. He was a virgin so he had no bad habits.”
Me: Superman in the streets. Lex Luthor in the sheets. [Replying to above:] Brillz Did you just make that up?
TLU: yes.
Me: LOVE. ???? ????????
TLU: I like Superman in the sheets. Lex Luthor is a bossy bottom.
ME: ☝????????????
TLU: Omg Dick is so cute tho.
ME: Oh he’s a regulation hottie, of that there’s no doubt .
TLU: I want to be the slave of his eyebrows.
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Me: Wait can I turn this is into an article? I won’t use your name. This is funny already.
TLU: Sure. Give me a pseudonym.
Me: Do you want to choose it? Maybe: Dicks Eyebrow? I like that.
TLU: Lol I want a pretentious pseudonym.
Me: Here we go… forget the clues… Throw detective work out the window… “We’re gonna go with Dick’s gut! Is Amanda wall or is that… who is that supposed to be? Waller?
TLU: No idea.
Me: So yes basically. Waller stand in.
TLU: If you don’t know, I sure don’t.
Me: Here we go! Conner FTW! I knew he was gonna have his moment!
TLU: Dick looks so good in that Henley.
Me: He does tho. He looks like he’s out of a L’UOMO Vogue shoot. Good goddamn.
TLU: I was thinking “The Last Aesthete.”
Me: oh lord, you’ve got Dick on the brain.
TLU: You know, cuz basically I’m just in this for the Dick.
Me: As a fashion ad it’s perfect. Those poor nabobs around him.
TLU: Raven lookin cute.
Me: Black suits her. Raven, Komand’r, Tim, Conner, and Gar… (In Palpatine voice): RISE!
TLU: Anytime Jason Todd talks I want a grownup to slap him.
Me: [referring to my previous comment]: This episode is about them.
Wait… seriously and did a fucking bat just hit the window of Wayne manor in broad daylight? I don’t believe that Jason Todd can kick like that.
TLU: In a chorus line maybe.
Me: He might be great at – at double Dutch. This all feels very Snyder-versey.
TLU: Barf.
Me: (Referring to JLU’s Jason Todd comment) He looks like he’s methed to the gills.
TLU: Barf.
Me: Dick is sooo hot. No one has ever said cut the red wire that hot.
TLU: Yes.
Me: I just found myself looking for a red wires to cut. Lol I’ll cut your red wire Dick! I’ll cut your… Dammit Taz give me those fucking scissors! ????
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TLU: It makes me want to be his arch nemeses just so he can smack me around
Me: Dibs bitch.
TLU: “It seems you’ve wrestled me into submission again, Nightwing”
Me: Literally Lold. But seriously why is Jason Todd the only one with an accent from Bayonne New Jersey?
JLU: lol.
Me: Here we go with that orb… It gets worse… Not super breath! That should be one of the rules never super breath NEVER!
You know what they say about lightning Kory?
[in my head] That It’s a conduit to the speed force?
Hey Tim you always wanted to see the Batcave —I’m in Lol. Show me the Batcave Dick…
My name is Tim Drake and you tried to kill my family …. Holy shit, this is like the The Princess Bride.
What the fuck is this music about? Holy Purple rain ☔️!
Un-fucking believable that people get paid write this… To write… Holy shit they’re actually using Prince music in the score, so I’m hating it but I’m also getting goosebumps.
What the fuck was that selfie thing?
Bruce cruising Skid Row for a new boy?! Holy shit this is creepy. This is Ed Buck shit.
TLU: Why are they forgiving Jason Todd?!
Me: This is some fucking Christmas Carol shit.
I told you they’re the best couple on TV. I love these motherfuckers. I would watch the fuck out a TV show about Connor and Komand’r.
And Krypto of course.
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TLU: They cute.
Me: They just have chemistry.
TLU: They’re extra cute together.
Me: They really are… Why can’t a Kryptonian live on Tamaran or survive on it? I missed that part?
TLU: Komandr trying to act hard.
Me: That’s my girl.
TLU: But both she and the actor playing Conner seem really innocent.
Me: It feels sincere.
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Donna Troy: Black Ops. Sigh.
TLU: [Responding to ‘they seem sincere’] Yea.
Me: Yo if this was just a still and it said Calvin Klein perfect.
Me: uh oh, they’re speaking gibberish again. And I call bullshit on this whole Barbara Gordon… fucking girlfriend bullshit… fuck you I hate it so much. Especially compared to Koriand’r?!!! GTFO!
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See you in San Francisco like it’s a fucking musical? Dick is sooo hot. Saying Thwaites even makes you sound like a f**** .
OK. Now The Cure. They spent more money on music on this episode and they have on the entire show over three seasons.
TLU: [still talking about Dick] His hair so nice.
Me: They’re taking an RV together? Oh my God. Omg. This doesn’t even make sense. Altho I really like the two of them as sisters.
TLU: He’s so hot that if he were a serial killer, as he was killing me i would want to be face up.
Me: You’re a sick ticket.
TLU: …So he could be the last thing I see.
Me: Ok, so now with that device, he can breathe on Tamaran.
OK so hopefully this RV thing is gonna happen off-camera and next season we just get ready to go to war on Tamaran.
Dick is serving dad realness.
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TLU: Done.
Me: Oh shit Tim is like yes.
Yassss.
TLU: I want dick to train me.
Me: Train me Dick. Train me in your Ways Lol. Jinx, I was writing that at the same time. I mean that seems like a bit much for the scarecrow–all that security.
TLU: Yea.
Me: Oh shit! Shit! Raven’s gonna give them all that evil shit in her!
TLU: Young people are vengeful these days.
Me: This is what she used to do in the comics. She gave the pain from everyone else. Goosebumps.I liked that.
Close to the sound of The Cure: “Just Like Heaven.”
Watch Thwaite’s chat below.
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Round 2.
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