Do’s and Dont’s—Dating Tips From a Trans Dude

When it comes to online dating you’re faced with a conundrum: whether you should “out” yourself on the apps that have the option to label yourself as a trans man.

Photo above: Viktor Belmont, Xander Idris, and Luke Hudson at Berlin Nightclub in Chicago.

You don’t want people sliding into your DMs out of a fetish for FTM guys, but also don’t want people not to  because their ignorant about what it means to be transgender and may be interested.

I don’t hide nor am I ashamed of my existence, it isn’t truly my whole existence. So I guess it comes down to personal preference. The plus side is if anyone found it problematic than you’ve already saved your time and energy while dodging a bullet of bigotry.

My advice, starting with first dates: First and foremost, be yourself. As someone who is trans, I know first hand that several of us have fought long hard battles and  sacrificed a great deal to simply do just that—so if anyone appreciates authenticity  nine out of ten times, it’s us. Get to know us beyond questions revolving our transness. We all have an interesting story to tell.

Above: Luke Hudson and Xander Idris

To avoid a possible super uncomfortable situation never out your trans partner to your friends, family, pet fish, etc without their permission.

Once again, it’s not that we’re ashamed of being trans it’s just that some of us may feel that it’s unnecessary and that it’s not anyone’s business (because it’s not) and would rather avoid the whole reaction or being praised or bring any more anxiety to a situation that can often already be fraught  when meeting people close to you.

However, if it does come up in conversation organically, you have to be comfortable with that too because when you date someone you shouldn’t be ashamed of them.

Above: Xander Idris and his best friend Luke Hudson at The Palmer Hotel, Chicago.

Some of us may be more in touch with our feminine side  because of the unique experience of having been raised as a female. So be prepared for long heart to hearts, help picking out your outfit of the day and being  partners in crime on the dance floor when Taylor Swift starts playing.

You need help testing out which make-up to get? Well you’re in luck, I’ve got skin! We can eliminate gender roles together.

Unless you are a man yourself, dating a transman does not make you gay. We are men case and point. I feel like I’m stating the obvious, but this is for those who didn’t get the memo.

That being said, don’t assume our sexuality. People in general fall in a spectrum on the Kinsey scale of sexuality. Being gay or straight or transgender we are no different. There are plenty of gay transgender men as there are straight and anywhere in between because our gender and sexuality are two different things. 

Xander loves cats.

 As far a sex goes, whether you identify as gay or straight or you prefer to top or bottom, we as trans men have a little something for everyone! So don’t be alarmed by our vast collection of toys ranging for all different shapes and sizes up the wazoo (literally) and since we’re on the topic of sex we all know the term bonus hole boys didn’t derive from nowhere. I’ve said too much so let’s move along. 

Be prepared to deal with bigotry if you decide to date someone who is transgender. There will be people out there who will hate, be jealous, make nasty remarks and be overall devoted to disagreeing with your love life. Let them, they aren’t worth a second of your precious energy. Just remember no matter what you do you can’t make everyone happy, so as long as you are, enjoy the ride and prove to people that love really does conquer all.

Now to capture the trans man of your dreams be sure you didn’t vote for Trump, support your LGBTQ community, have love for all forms of life and realize there is more to our existence than just this physical form.


Writer Xander Idris is a 28-year-old actor and musician from Chicago. Idris has been playing guitar for over half of his life. He’s just your modern-day, rebel with a dream. Says Idris, “I like to keep things interesting. Growing up half Mexican and half Pakistani gave me a unique world view. I started transitioning later on in life (25 years-old to be exact). I’m a hopeless romantic who believes in soulmates and that everything happens for a reason.”

Follow Idris on Insta.

And on Twitter.


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