Do Open Relationships Work?

HAVING AN open relationship can sound good on paper. I mean, a lot of gay men think, who wouldn’t want a fairly committed relationship and sex (as long as it’s safe) on the side?! 

Unlike the free love and swinging days of the ’60s and ’70s, when key parties and sex clubs were the rage in both homo- and heterosexual circles, these days open arrangements are much more common in gay relationships. Still, I was never one for them, until an ex — we’ll call him Ryan — brought up the prospect. I was originally shocked at his suggestion, but then decided it was an empty threat, something I could go along with to appease him, but would never have to actually act on (kinda like saying you want to be an organ donor). And so I said, “Sure.” Here’s what I learned: 

There are perks…

You get the best of both worlds
You get the best parts of being single and having a relationship. This is great. Great? Hell, this is awesome. Just imagine: You have the comfort of knowing you have someone to go home to, someone to always hang out with — all the mushy, kissy, stupid things your heart secretly desires — and you can hook up with that guy at the gym/laundromat/chiropractor’s office who has been eyeing you. I’ll admit it, there’s a thrill to that.

Business travel is no longer a drag
Long or frequent business trips away are no longer so isolating and lonely. Yes, you still make the obligatory phone call, you still miss your boo, and you can’t wait to come home and run into his arms… but if they did just open a new Flex Spa in the town hosting your convention, now you can visit without remorse. 

You share your sex stories with each other
Given that this is an open relationship we’re talking about, you can be really open… Specifically, when you two are alone together, you can tell each other about your other conquests… stimulating your sex life together with the wild adventures you’ve both had with other people. Another awesome advantage: You get to talk dirty about real events with real people, which can be so much more thrilling than fictional strangers and fantasies. 

But there are downsides, too…

You share your sex stories with each other
You tell each other about your side conquests while you’re in each other’s arms and… suddenly he shares that he and another guy just tried something that you’ve long had a fantasy about. And all of a sudden, the night is ruined and degenerates into an argument about why he can do these things with a random hookup, but not with you. My advice: Agree upfront that you won’t explore each other’s fantasies with outside people. 

An open relationship may mean multiple relationships
Which can mean jealousy and pain. I was under the impression that ours was the principal relationship and that any and all other sex constituted just that, sex. Apparently, for Ryan it meant: a) Sex any and all times he pleased, and b) that the affair he was having with his office assistant, Sam, fell under the rubric of our “open relationship.” Which was not exactly what I had in mind. In other words, be very, very clear about how you each define an open relationship, to prevent misunderstandings that will lead to heartbreak. 

You get the worst of both worlds
The worst-case scenario of the “open” relationship: You still feel like you’re single and in an on-again, off-again relationship—with a sex addict! Not good for the self-esteem, or anything else for that matter. And it can be particularly embarrassing if one of your boyfriend’s sex partners overlaps with your circle of friends, as was the case with us. One night I was outside a club with an old friend I hadn’t seen in ages when a drunk Ryan and Sam stumbled into us, while they were making out! 

So… if you are going to go for it, establish the parameters upfront. Will you tell each other everything? Will you allow side relationships? At the very least, agree beforehand that your relationship is the primary and most important one, and if other people start to threaten your bond, you’ll reconsider the whole loose arrangement. 

I am not saying an open romance can’t work. An open plan can actually spice up your relationship… as long as you wait, say, a year or more into a relationship, when you’ve established the trust and commitment that helps offset any jealousy. But it’s tough to try one earlier, when you two are just beginning to understand and trust each other. Take it from me. 

This post originally appeared on Match.com.